Yesterday visited Learning Vision. The Principal was friendly. She explained the curriculum and the fees ..sound good to me. She asked me to grow Zann 's hair long cos mistaken for a boy. She also commented that Zann is tall and well developed. I feel proud of cos. I told the principal that I take care of Zann almost a year. With no help. The teacher offered to carry Zann.. but after a while, she cried for me. Can tell she still cling to me. I just dun trust anyone who can do a better job than me.
Went to buy food and prepare lunch and dinner for everyone, ended up couldnt meet Keith to go church on time. Have to postpone to next week le. I was reading bible and happened to see these verses from Luke 11:34
Your eye is the lamb of you body
When your eyes are good, your whole body is also full of light.
But when they are bad, your body is also full of darkness,
See to it then that the light within you is not darkness.
It's meaningful to me. I tried reading it many times and I got the message into my head.
No one to talk to when night fall. Ended up eating alot. Dinner was cooked by me.
Wanted to play some strategy game but find meaningless to me, in d end stayed up late watching horror show
I watched the 'Stay Alive' after Zann Zzz, through the nite.
Reminded me of an almost fatal game I played with 2 pals back in secondary days.
Zann turning 13 mth today
Friday, January 12, 2007
Today Zann turning 13mth old. So fast.
That day's check up I asked doc if Zann is overweight, lucky no. But But Doc say she is very tall, 83cm! (Got to pay if travel mrt cos 90cm is their limit..) And she is still learning to walk. There's some progress. She managed to learn walking a few steps and she knows what 'fall' means. I used the activity walker, she hold the handle firmly. When she let go, I ll say, cannot! Fall fall, wait pain pain ar and she understands, she quickly grab onto the handle again. Until she say, mama bao bao...Doc said if by 16 mths she still cant walk, got to bring her see doc liao (which I hoped this not the case)
Wanted to get her the rocking horse frm ikea ...but dun have chance to go. Tomorrow have to meet the principal frm learning vison and then noon I have to bring Zann to church. Sat a busy day for me. Wanted to go tampines walk walk also but no chance. Morning wanted to buy kiwi for Zann but raining again. And today she wake up at 10am and she Zzz again after the milk and bread with cheese. Duno why these days Zann always Zzzz so much in the daytime.
And her nightime frm the usual 8pm turned to 11pm ord. Not letting her ZZ in the daytime she ll turn cranky and refused to play and practise walking. I need to revert her to normal sleeping time. If not she ll think can suka suka sleep anytime she like!
Lunch for Zann ll be minced liver meat (rich in iron), carrot (rich in beta carotene).
Today's weather's cold. Raining. I wondered whether can go out later have dinner. As I am typing the blog, my tummy is calling for food. Hungry now, must be due to the cold weather. PizzaHut having promo 2 regular pan pizza for 19.90..cheap ar...if not for the dinner, I might have called in ord...
Tired. Physically and Emotionally. Sad.
Tuesday, January 9, 2007
I was sick yesterday. Had a fever. I feel a need to see doc. But no 1 can help to relieve me , in d end I asked a fren for help. Then I informed Hb and he blamed me to cause him lose concentration in his job. I din understand. I tot I can inform him that I am sick and need to see doc. What is wrong with that? Dun tell me if wife sick, Co will condemn him? I am so disappointed with him.
Patience? How to find it to handle him? I cant. And I very sick yesterday. We quarrelled over the phone and I tore up the mrc and wanted a divorce. I am tired.
He came back home not asking how my fever was in d end picking a quarrel. This time triggered over by his mum. Just a phone call in the noon made him feel good towards his mum. And me is the petty and evil one. Evil wife and daugterin law. He can blamed me for not being extra nice to his mum. He asked me why cant I be Extra Nice to her!!!? And he can tell me If i nice to her, she sure ll be treat me gd!!! Hello, In what way has I offended his mum? Right frm the start, where? He knew his folks dun treat me gd yet today I look the petty one to him. Nice? In what way has I not nice to his mum? He knew and he cant answer me!
I told HB' I dun owe yr mum anythg, neither has I screamed at her or being rude like that, I merely chose my own way, ie. keeping quiet and dun wish to talk to them, what's wrong with that? Your Mum's words hurt and I dun need that to aggravate my depression and all the more I dun deserve that. I am a sensitive person.
Till today HB dun understand. He said he never get to see all this. So does it mean I am making it all up and accuse yr mum's character? Well fine, If i am really that bad, then go back to Yr mother, and we go separate way. I asked for a divorce. I am very hurt and sad to think my own hb can see me until like that.
I am having fever, no concern no care yet kena blamed. What M i ? Tired, I wished I can leave and go.I wished to give up everythg or God can take me away. I hve done so much for this family. I dun expect returns and want a bit of care and concern and yet this is what I get. I feel myself so small. Perhaps so small until my existence doesnt matter anymore.
Vaccination
Sunday, January 7, 2007
Today morning brought Zann for the vaccination against MMR. She was in a happy mood till the needle went into her arm. I felt painful too as I watched. Doc said the side effect maybe a fever after 3-5 days. I asked for fever medicine just in case. Total 53 bucks. There go the $$ again. Next injection ll be in June. Doc also told me abt the optional injection after 1st year. Like against chicken pox, Hep A, pneumoccal etc. So I think no hurry completing the vaccination until the 2nd year.
Hb had a terrible toothache as well. In d end, decided to see dentist until Fri. Always must wait for last min painful then start kan cheong. Nver heed my advise. (anyway, whatever I say oso turned into deaf ear one la). His father called him and asked him to call his mother back. I find it weird. Why cant the father conveyed the message? Feeling egoistic perhaps. I dun approve of their teaching method. So I always reminded HB dun ever use his own father's way of parental style on Zann if he himself dun like it. Correct mah..if u dun like it then dun practise on other pple lo. Anyway my r/s with his folks ll never improve.
Yesterday asked HB will i get to see Zann when she turn 50 years old? He replied me maybe. Yah, who knows how long I will survive. Duno y these few days I have a bad headache and bad premonition. Ask HB what ll he do if i am gone.But then, evrythg in the life related to the word 'depend'. Just like Zann, depending on the activity walker to progress from standing to walk a few steps, HB depends on his job to provide for me and Zann. Me, depend on Zann to give me the real meaning of life, depend on HB bring in $$$. Do i sound being useless? I think I am.
And I decided to go back to workforce this year.
Stir Fry Udon
Saturday, January 6, 2007
Managed to cook this morning. Have been thkg so long to cook this dish also. My favourite.
Stir Fry Udon
-----------------
1can chao san si
1 pack udon (can get frm NTUC)
1tbsp vegetable oil
minced garlic
1/3 cup water
2 eggs lightly beaten
Heat the oil, add in garlic
Add the egg and stir fry
Drain the chao san si oil, before adding in
Add water (little at first) and udon
Let it simmer til water dry ..voila u can serve liao
Tired. Fever. Disappointed.
Friday, January 5, 2007
Today Zann woke up ard 10 am. I fed her kiwi and cod fish oil for the start. The timing close to her lunch. She managed to finish the chicken porridge I prepared. Same for the dinner. Dun dare to five spinach too much cos she had diarrhea yesterday. She cried for 15mins in the playpen and sleep at 130pm. Need to be time conscious cos have to know what time she wake up. In d end she slept for half an hour. Sure not enuf one. True. But I still keep her awake. Trained her on the activity walker. She managed to walk two steps. I am so happy.She din want to stand long so I passed all the toys to her. Made a mess on the floor.
i was disappointed when hb dun even bother to call when he know he ll be hm late. Taking me for granted again. And I have to be the one making the calls. Today is Friday and I told him I wanted to go out since my mum off today. HE okok in d end still in his work again. I am so tired. Why cant my hb help to relieve me, I really envy other pple's hb so nice to their wife. Do I have to treat him as my HB or younger brother? (He doesnt even knw what it takes to be a HB and a father). I am feeling feverish this morning, And a headache.
Why everyone have a break ..or rather they feel themselves deserve a break but not me. I am feeling frustrated now. My mum off today and asked her to help me look after Zann a while.. in d end she went put shopping.....Cant find own HB when I called him at 830pm. Cant even find him when I need him. Told him yesterday Zann need more vaccinations..he acted like bo hiu. KNN. I am really pissed with him.KNN ll be better off alone w/o him. Maybe ll happen one day! Bad temper, not making effort, forever blaming environment. Told him so many times. Even ask him how our wedding photos..he oso F care. No weddin dinner between us ok i am fine ...but dun even have a basic wedding photo..really a joke in this marriage.
I am wondering why on earth I have to be with someone 4 years younger than me. If no Zann, the answer ll be no.
Goodday to me and Zann
Thursday, January 4, 2007
Today it's early to start this blog for it hasnt a day yet..and here I am typing away while Zann is sleeping away at this minute in her playpen. Me myself also find it hard to believe. Second day today and I started 'training' my daughter to sleep on her own bed. No more swinging as I am hoping to make this habit go. I duno what other method to try besides using my own way. I knew she was 'craving' for the sarong as she started rubbing her eyes at 1030am. No matter how much she hated the feeling inside the playpen, i still left her there. While I am busy preparing her lunch, she busy crying and screaming @_@
This persisted ard half an hour..voila! Zann is asleep but in a sitting position..yeah..sound like magic..so fast asleep liao. Mummy is happy. Hopefully this is a Good start... LOL hmmm..shall see how long she sleep.
Zann sleeps for half an hour from her sitting position. Sigh. Have to keep on trying her ..no choice. I myself din get to nap in d end. Tired. And my headache is terrible. Today's tingkat dinner dishes sucked. I went dwn gotten myself a cheeseburger and an apple pie for HB. Hanging ard online also xian after mia for many days, din get to see my fren online today. Sigh. Hb came back from work late. I was angry with him initially for not calling me what time reach hm. He always take me for granted.
Zann progress well in standing these days. I am happy. I gave her the newly bought activity walker. She support herself by holding onto the handle. I keep telling her ..wait fall pain pain must hold ar..she understands. until she rub her eyes and say bao ..ma ma ma....sigh..sleep again.
Not feeling well....
Wednesday, January 3, 2007
As i am typing this, i am having headache. Duno y. These few daes have been suffering frm headaches. And it's like getting worse. Can only use panadols to relieve. Today is no exceptional. In fact just taken 2 panadols again. Not keen to see doctor. Waste time and $. Anyway, I only have myself looking after my darling. Zann woke up last night ard 5am for milk. After that she refused to sleep back in her playpen again. Screaming and crying away for me. No choice, I had to swing her. In order to keep her volume down. HB wasnt pleased with Zann. He shouted at Zann. But what can a one year old toddler know? I rebuked HB over this.
It's his temper again, Over many times I wanted him not to feel frustrated easily. To change other person, may as well change myself. And this i hope I can change Hb. Hopefully it works. I am just upset that HB dun see the way as me sometimes.
This morning, he told me he has apologised to Zann. I felt consoled.
Bye Bye long weekend ....chao ta liao
Tuesday, January 2, 2007
Today is the last dae of the long public holidays. Finally. Cant bear also. These few days like very relaxing ..Hb feels being forced to go out with me n Zann. He always find it troublesome to bring us out one. Told him I feel bored. Cooped up at hm wun do us any good also. He simply dun put himself in my shoe. But in d end he still gave in.
HB ll be returning to work tmlw. cAn tell he is happy cos he must have hated staying at hm. Yesterday we went to Pasir Ris park to cycle. We merely stayed 2 hours in the park and the weather seems cool to us.. and that trip caused the three of us more than just tired...we reached hm tanned or rather Chao Da..(and that include my little Zann too). I was worried for Zann, worried she may get fever.."touchwood" lucky dun have. Now my shoulders and back feeling sore and painful. Zann's face is a bit pinkish. Hb kena the forehead. We didnt expected the results. Or maybe we shld apply sunblock lotion liao.
I cooked and prepared today's dinner. HB say he loves it duno real or not. And he was hoping i ll cook Every Day man...I dun mind if i have a maid lor..me ord drained of energy looking after Zann, what's there left in me..sigh cook? i think i shall save that for weekend ba...for now still tingkat ba..
I told HB i really hated him using his pc more than spending time with me. Duno y he still dun get the hint. Our back face each other and our Face towards each of our computer screen, So where 's the interaction? Like married to PC ... My favourite TV prog starts tonite..War and Beauty...Ooo yeah! I know one, for me shall be watching alone.
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Profile
Cendrine
i am a simple woman with a
beautiful daughter Zann.
My life now revolving
around her. She bring joy
and laughter. Through her,
i learn to look at things with a
fresh perspective and know
how to value life.
my current mood
I bought myself chocolate truffles, no wonder pple always say chocolate can make a person feel happy. And that's wat I needed for tday. At least. I am not in a good mood today. Have a quarrel with my mum again. It doesnt make me feel good that in law know abt her problem with her own hb. I have gotten used to the idea of being in a single family. Just dun understand why she still cant let go. News spread fast and esp the not so called good news. Why on earth must announce to the whole world?! 
Today Zann turning 13mth old. So fast. 
i was disappointed when hb dun even bother to call when he know he ll be hm late. Taking me for granted again. And I have to be the one making the calls. Today is Friday and I told him I wanted to go out since my mum off today. HE okok in d end still in his work again. I am so tired. Why cant my hb help to relieve me, I really envy other pple's hb so nice to their wife. Do I have to treat him as my HB or younger brother? (He doesnt even knw what it takes to be a HB and a father). I am feeling feverish this morning, And a headache.
